Pure Unbridled Joy

I'm living in Astoria, NYC. For now.

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore.

This blog has had so many incarnations - a new one may be in order just to have a fresh start. I am, after all, such a different person from where I started this from.

Tis something to be mulled over...

I haven't decided if I am starting up this blog again or not. It's been a busy few months. Since last July I have lived in Montreal and Nelson, New Zealand, traveled to Australia, Portugal & Spain, learned a hell of a lot more traveling than I probably would have getting another degree.

Now I'm 'home'.
Whatever that means.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6377547.stm

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It's time to take down the "Under
Construction" signs and clean up the messes from your works in
progress. At least for now, your heart has lost its drive for further renovation
and rehabilitation. Whether you think you're ready or not, then, it's time
for a grand re-opening. I suggest you offer free toasters or other incentives
to pull in new clients, as well as to coax disaffected old ones into
returning. It may also help to put up an "Under New Management" sign.

I started a wee job in Nelson this week, at an internet cafe tehre A had been working. She left for Australia & they needed a replacement, & for me it comes not a moment too soon. Even spending only a wee bit of money, when you have nothing coming in, it's hard to keep your odds & ends about you.

It's fucking hot in here though - w/ all these computers on, & no AC, & it being the equivalent to early August here in the Northern Hemi, I'm all sticky & stinky. But it's OK - it's better than freezing my arse off like I usually do in February.

I'm still trying to figure out what I do when i get back to the States. I feel it's better to figure out what i want for a few months ago now, while I'm in one place, rather than wait until I'm traveling about again, only to realize I'm headed back in 3 weeks & have a total freakout at the thought of...

Going back to New York. I'm not sure that I want to. I'm not sure that's where I'm supposed to be anymore. I've been feeling kind of clueless about this kind of thing lately. There's a lot in my life that's been transient for a very long time, which is fine, but there seems relatively permanent to me. & I'm not sure that that's what I want, anymore.

But I'm not fretting over that too much right now. There's no point. I'll see how I feel when I get there. I just have a little pre-thinking to do.

I haven't played like this in awhile.

Even broken-hearted, I find ways to be happy.

I have so much to get done; I feel like I never will. Then again I know that with each task I accomplish, I'm really just adding another 5 tasks to the pile. I leave Nelson in mid-March or so. Getting back out there again will be really good for me. I'm doing well here (besides the heartache, but I avoid him as much as possible, so at least I don't have to pretend I'm OK with it), but I'm missing something. Not sure what it is. It's just part of figuring it out, whatever 'it' is.

But these Dell people - buggers! I set up my payment & they never took it out of my account, & now I can;t connect to the site that will let me pay it. You would think a COMPUTER COMPANY would have an easy online payment method. It's just left me crabby.

But the contact improv was really fun today.

the blue, the water, the ...
I made it. I'm here.

I've been here for a month, but I'm here. I'm here now. I'm looking. I see it. And it's so so beautiful.

(this must be heaven. no, its new zealand)

My red wine glass limit is FOUR. Not FIVE.

Ouch.

I had my nose pierced yesterday. J got her lip pierced. We have foreign bits of metal in our faces that we're adjusting to.

I like it a lot (pic coming).

It's a little itchy yet though :)

I never cease to be amazed by just how incredible the people are around me. I see it on a daily basis, in lost moments, in front of our faces, the great abundance of talent we posess here. No fear, so open, so brave. Some people would call this a social experiment - people working on a website living in a house. & it's not on TV. But because there is no film crew, no need of being anyone other than who you really are, genuine trust, it's the best example as a safe place to grow.

I love this.

Sometimes when it hurts, I just look out the window. The bay, the waves, the tide, the mountains on the other side. It reminds me that it's all OK, no matter which perspective I'm taking at the moment.

I'm in Neslon just in time for the holidays. It's a relief to not feel too holiday-ish. Or forget.

I tanned yesterday. Well, tanning for me is...not really tanning, but I did lay out in the sun at least.
Things here are great I said about Montreal last summer that I could "live the rest of my life on this back porch" (we were facing the back wall of a convent but the connections were amazing), but HERE? HA! Facing the bay, on a cliff, mountains waaaayyyyyy off in the distance! Wow.....so much better!

The one gripe is that men suck ass. ASS. Really. & then they make you feel like they're blaming it all on you - like you're a crazy. Like they had nothing to do with the hurt.

We're having an Xmas dinner & inviting all the couchsurfers in the area, since the next door neighbor apparently hates us. Good thing they're out of town this weekend! Accourding to 2 of the girls here - we check to see if they're around by baking them a pie & bringing it over - if they answer, booze off. If they don't answer - BOOZE ON!!!

What I love:
- Everything - it's so beautiful here, & everyone is really friendly.
- my sleeping bag - it's the tiniest thing ever.
- my couchsurfing hosts - 2 so far & they've been wonderful, accommodating, fun & helpful
- I am crossing from the N to the S Island tomorrow, & it's apparently some of the most beautiful scenery on the planet (I've seen some great scenery here, & apparently the North Island is crap compared to the S Island, EXCEPT for Taupo - Pooper, look @ Lake Taupo, ya know?). It's a 3 hour ferry, but some of the choppiest waters on the planet - but hey, htey only had 2 "near-sinkings" this year. Eh, whatev.
- I will soon be in a house inhabited by about 16 people - I already know Jim (dammit he beat me there!), Amylin, Kasper, Casey, & Steve but I don't know anyone else yet, I think - but I will!


What I've learned this week:
- Welly is windy. It's summer here & I've been wearing a winter-y sweater for days. It's one of the windiest places in the country
- NZ is as, if not more, green than Ireland. & it doesn't rain as much.
- Peter Jackson rides a bike to work.
- Kiwis die in car accidents a lot. The roadside is littered with crosses & flowers.
- you're never too old to climb a tree (check the pics!)
- I dislike my neurotic NYC influence when I not plopped in the middle of it. But I've only been here for about 5 days (I cant believe it!), & I've TECHNICALLY never backpacked before (having a home base in a castle in Europe doesn't count), so I have to get used to the life. Even though I'll be in the same hose for about a month & a half!

My challenges:
- I blew up my power strip. Bollocks. & it said it would take 240 volts! Bugger.
- My palm pilot recharger stopped working. I get to the Couchsurfing Collective in Nelson tomorrow & hope one of the techies there can take it apart & rewire it since just buying a new charger will cost a pretty penny. I neeeeeeeedddddd it! :(
- I thought lamb meat would be cheap here. NZ has something like 200 sheep for every person, but they ship all the good meat overseas. The lamb I had with my host in Welly at a Nepalese restaurant the other day had icky veins & stuff in it.

I hated you when I got back.

You were loud, obnoxious, so angry & short-tempered. There was nothing even-keeled about you, just scathing, under-eager bullshit. & I wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball & sleep for a week but I needed you. I did & I hated it.

I started moving more quickly. I started looking up at you. I got sucked back in, & I found the good bits, the things that reminded me why I'm in love with you in the first place. & I fell back into your being a part of my life that is always so irreplacable. I started defining myself by you like always do.

So now I'm going again. I know you won't notice, & I know you don't care at all. I'm not concerned about that. You sit there, waiting, pulsing & waiting, drawing in almost everyone you come into contact with your unparalleled charisma, grace & filth, anger & energy, love & ambivilence, & we adore you & you don't care.

Isn't that always the way? I guess none of us can help it.

So goodbye & see ya later, you slut, you diva, you gem, you sassy queen, you crackwhore, you dear dear friend, you icon. I'll be seeing you.

I just don't.
Unless it's Hark the Herald Angels sing.

Or...
I don't know - every time I hear "Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas" I kinda cry a bit. & that's not even traditional, it's from the musical Meet Me In St. Louis.

Other than that, I wish I weren't hearing it everywhere.

Joe will tell me I am getting the Holiday Blues again.

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OK, less than a week to go, & my room is pretty much un-navigate-able. Seriously, It's heinous in here & I a  retty sure it will remain so until Friday morning when i leave for LA.

it's slightly terrifying :)

Bitches, don't you realize I have a layover to make in your country in less than 2 weeks?
Come on, let's all play nice!

If you have 8 minutes to watch a video, please watch this - it's incredible.

I finally found a plug adaptor in the state of NJ (imagine - people DO travel, here!) so that can get crossed off my list - WOOHOO!